Mother Nature is not doing a damn thing for my energy level. This time of year we’re supposed to be looking forward to warm Spring days with sunshine, flowers and green grass…not this crap of cold rain turn to snow every other day. It’s driving all of us in the Midwest a bit insane. I have a bad feeling that once Mother Nature has quit throwing whatever bipolar tantrum she is having, we will go straight into the pits of hell summer heat. However, at this moment even that I won’t mind if it means no more driving on ice and snow and that I’ll get to see sunshine.
Currently, I am in the throes of my first trimester complete with feeling nauseous and utterly exhausted from the time I wake up until I go to bed. I, the person who does not nap, fall asleep at the drop of the hat these days and I long for that wonderful feeling of crawling into our comfy bed at the end of the day. However, the end result of all of this will be well worth it. We had our first baby appointment last Wednesday and I’d forgotten how awesome it is. It was one of the coolest things in the world to see the tiny little heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor and to hear the swish swish sound of it beating at 162 beats per minute, perfect speed for the tiny little person it belongs to. Zac probably learned more about my body and different things than he wanted to during the appointment but I was glad he wanted to be there for it.
A lot of days I find it hard to believe that we are currently awaiting the arrival of our little miracle. Back around Christmas time we discussed the idea of starting to try for a baby after the first of the year. So at the end of January I had my birth control removed and well as luck would have it, we got pregnant on the first try. I was shocked it happened so fast but I am most certainly excited for it and so is Zac. It’s definitely going to be an adventure, but one I think we will most definitely enjoy.
There are things I wish that I could just wave a wand and make go away though. I’ve been feeling very frustrated lately and pretty stressed out over some things. I really want this time to be more focused on getting the things around the house done that need to be done before the baby gets here and I really just want to be able to be excited and live a simple happy life as a family. However, things have been overshadowed by more issues with Zac’s ex regarding his son and visitation and custody etc.
She is one of those miserable people who cannot own up to her own actions (she got pregnant on purpose on the sly when they were dating each other) and she refuses to be a decent human being, along with her parents. For the past two years it has been nothing but court dates and fighting with her. The holidays and weekend visitations we get with his son are constantly involving police being called because she doesn’t want to abide by the court approved parenting plan she herself signed. The amount of time and money she has cost us is just ridiculous and the court here just helps reaffirm her belief she can do whatever she wants and get away with it.
Having gone through a very similar situation with my ex-husbands ex-wife I thought I had a handle on this. Figured I sort of knew what to expect and that somehow this time would be easier. It is not and it is worse by far and I’m fed up with this taking precedent over the rest of our life. I made the mistake of thinking things would get better as time went on, but they’ve only gotten worse with her. I’m still holding out hope that there is a way that things will get better…in the meantime it’s very hard not to let it all get to me and not to resent certain things. It’s very hard to keep emotions in check when she’s having such a profound effect on my life and I can’t do anything to make it stop (aside from alternatives that would just make things more miserable). If money grew on trees or good lawyers were affordable I don’t think any of these things would be an issue, but unfortunately that’s not the way things work. Hopefully, eventually, someday something has to give to make things better…I hope it’s sooner rather than later.
Snowmobiling is not for the faint of heart…or for people who are acutely aware of their mortality and afraid of heights, like me. Two weekends ago Zac took me on a trip up to North Dakota as a belated birthday present for me (as a side note the weather was awful and we drove in snow and freezing rain for the last leg of the trip up). It was just the two of us and we stayed at his family’s cabin and caught up on things with them. I was just excited for a weekend away for us and to see his family again. I really enjoy them…with the exception of his Dad…without going into detail there are some issues there and he’s just not my cup of tea. However, he was very nice to me as he has been before and we get along fine.
Anydoodle, Zac had mentioned how he wanted to take me out on their snowmobiles. Which being a woman who loves fast cars (driving them) and going mudding in trucks it sounded like fun to me. I had never ever been on a snowmobile in my life and I was excited to try it out. But alas, my excitement wasn’t to last and was quickly replaced by fear and trepidation thanks to going in and out of steep ditches and getting stuck within 10 minutes of being out. Now don’t get me wrong, I actually really liked speeding along the ice on the lake and hitting the tiny snow drifts on it, it was nice and flat, and I could see what was around me. The trails and ditches however were a completely different story and therefore to be a good sport and to try to really give it a chance I sucked it up and tried to hide my anxiety and fear as best I could while going as slow as humanly possible on my snowmobile. That particular factor is probably why I got stuck repeatedly throughout the whole day.
Unfortunately for Zac my fears and being exhausted got the better of me momentarily while we went from one steep ditch, across the road to the other side where we had to ride the shoulder for a ways because the ditches were way too steep for us to ride in.
I made the mistake of looking down the ditch and well it scared the bejesus out of me and I promptly had a little breakdown and sat crying in the middle of the road. Looking back the scene had to be quite humorous and I will give Zac tons of extra points for being so patient with me. He got me out of the middle of the road so I didn’t get hit by a car and convinced me I would be okay. Which I was, until I promptly got stuck again not too far down the road. TWICE! The last time I got stuck we were both so worn out we finally called his Dad to come help us since we were only about a mile away from the cabin and his sister became my hero…she rode my snowmobile back to the cabin and I rode in the safety of his Dad’s truck. When I got back to the cabin I’d never been happier for a hot shower and big glass of wine. (In my defense I will say this…the stupid snowmobile I was on was having issues with its accelerator which made it very hard to control at times and aided me in all of my mishaps.) .
That night he and his family all praised me for how well I did for my first time on a snowmobile and I got to hear oodles of stories of them all getting stuck in various places and their own mishaps. Had I heard some of these stories before going out I might not have been so nervous. At least now I know if I ever get the gumption to go back out again.
The rest of our time there went by quickly but it was a great time, it was nice just having time to ourselves. Our next trip I am planning…it’s a tad more on the safer side as it’s a trip to the zoo in Omaha. However, if it’s going to happen it will happen to me so I may have a story to tell of falling in the gorilla cage or being bit by some poisonous reptile! :-P
Well since my last post the holidays have come and gone and were filled with good food, friends and family(minus our regular unpleasant and stressful dealings with his ex). It was wonderful being able to spend the holidays together with Zac this year, instead of 3 states away from each other. However, I’m still feeling “off” since I haven’t cooked a big meal for Thanksgiving or Christmas…the turkey is still in the freezer. We did so much travelling to see my family I didn’t need to cook. One of these days I’m going to thaw that sucker out and declare my own holiday so I can show off my amazing turkey cooking skills. Hopefully the thing won’t expire by then.
Now we find ourselves at the beginning of a new year. I sat there on New Year’s Eve thinking back on this past year and was amazed at how fast it has all gone. Zac moved down here a year ago at the end of this month, we’ve been together for a year and a half and so many other things have happened. We didn’t go out and party it up on New Year’s, instead we stayed home with kids tucked into bed, watched the ball drop, toasted each other with champagne (mine) and red bull and vodka (his) and kissed. It was quite possibly the best New Years kiss I’ve ever had…makes a big difference when you’re kissing the love of your life that makes you weak in your knees. So far I’m feeling good about this new year, even though I turn 29 on Saturday. I think it will be another big year of lots of new times together and maybe a few fun changes here and there as well. I haven’t really made any resolutions for this year, but I am going to try to enjoy the good moments more and not worry that by enjoying them I’m jinxing them and also post on here a bit more :) Wish me luck!
Life has been continuing on for me…even though I haven’t posted it on here. I’m still in one of those slumps where I have lots yet nothing to say for posts. Those moments of genius I have only happen when I don’t have the time to sit down and write a post then by the time I can the genius is gone. I’ve also just been dealing with lots of days where I fight off frustration.
While essentially I am happy and content with my life I am often times frustrated because there are things that I really want, things I know I really want but I really have no control over if I get them or not. Makes it even more frustrating to me because they seem like such simple things that people all around me are blessed with. I have to remind myself that just because I can’t have them now doesn’t mean that with time I won’t someday. Fate has its own schedule and it obviously doesn’t share what that agenda is completely. I just have to make peace with the face that I cannot control everything, and in doing this I have to remember that the harder I try to control things the more I wind up with the exact opposite of what I want. I try to keep an open mind about things and look at my situations from different perspectives; this brings to mind the end of the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun”. She has all these things she really wants throughout the movie and gets so angry and frustrated because she doesn’t have them…until the end of the movie when the one guy points out she actually has everything she wants, it’s just in different forms than what she expected. Keep an open mind and live each day as it comes, don’t’ spend so much time trying to make a future that you give up what’s right in front of you.
Words are simple and can be non- threatening and mean absolutely nothing. Until one day a series of them are strung together to make a sentence, a paragraph, a phrase that can change your world and bring peace to your mind and heart (or bring it all crashing down…but that’s a negative thought and today we are focusing on happy). They can take on even more meaning depending on the person saying or writing them…that can make or break the words alone.
Thanks to words said by the man I dearly love, I’ve finally found the peace my mind and my heart had desperately needed for some time. Without going into a lot of details that don’t seem to matter as much now I will explain it as this. Zac and I’s relationship did not start out in the fairy tale manner I had originally been led to believe and due to things I had found out over time I was deeply hurt and trust was badly tarnished. It was a help that these things that hurt me happened before he ever moved here and that his actions since he’s been here have been true. But still, what was done before he got here did its damage and ate away at a part of me. Part of this was due because he took that approach so many people do…he ignored it and just wanted to leave it in the past. This way doesn’t work so well for a very word/emotion oriented person like me and made me feel as if he didn’t care that it hurt so bad or that it wasn’t a big deal.
However, I finally heard words from him over the weekend regarding it all that I’d needed to hear. That he did care that he’d made such stupid mistakes and it hurt him that he’d hurt me. There weren’t a lot of words said, but the ones that were came with sincerity that I heard in his voice and saw in his eyes. It’s amazing the relief and peace I felt with just a few simple words. Now, I can truly start to mend and heal the wounds that have been eating away at me, I can enjoy what we have now and look forward to what may be in our future. (Now, if his ex will stop being such a bitter person and causing unnecessary trouble and stress it will be even better.)
Lily’s birthday party on Saturday was a hit. She swam with friends, had pizza, cake and lots of presents. I was so happy it was such a good turnout for her, she kept telling us it was the best day of her life, and she absolutely adored the cake that Zac made for her. I was even impressed with his baking and decorating skills. The only thing that could have made the day better was if I hadn’t have been sick. As luck would have it I woke up that morning feeling awful with a head cold. However, the events of the day made it bearable although I don’t think the ice cold water in the swimming pool did much to help it.
We tried to sleep as much as we could yesterday after we got back home, but that’s easier said than done when you have a one year old and a five year old running around. We have his son, A, with us for his first extended stay, we have him a whole week, from last Friday until this Friday. It feels as if it is going to be a very long week. He is a sweet, good baby; however he has already mastered the melodramatics at a very young age. When he doesn’t get what he wants he has learned to cry/whine at the same time and throw himself on the floor in a fit. I haven’t decided that it’s better or worse that he can’t speak yet when this happens, either way I think this would still grate on my nerves. I’m not big on whining at all, I was raised never to whine and that’s how I raise Lily and she knows there are consequences when she does whine. However, it’s very hard to find an effective method to correct a 14-month old who can only say the words “mama” and “fish”. This melodramatic act of his doesn’t do much in the way of helping me bond with him either. I do love him, but as most step parents would tell you, it takes time to bond with your significant other’s children. In some cases I think it’s even more difficult when they are young like A is, and we have such limited time with him to begin with.
Being a step parent is such a big task to take on and there are days I envy Zac on how simple he seems to make it look with Lily. They have their times where he could do better and they still have a ways to go, but for the most part they have a very good relationship with each other. With A and I it is very touch and go (as it is with babies that are even your own flesh and blood). Right now he is in that very clingy phase where he wants Zac and the minute he leaves the room or doesn’t give him what he wants the fits and crying begin. I try my best to soothe him, but there are a lot of times he just has to calm down on his own and wants nothing to do with me. This is where I feel silly because it hurts my feelings, and then there are the times I feel even more ridiculous because I am jealous of a baby. Then I worry about trying to make sure I treat him and Lily as equals and I fear I fall short of that goal a lot of times. It can all be a very frustrating thing and makes me want to never have any more children ever, then about the time where I’m at the end of my rope one of those little moments comes a long that makes it all worthwhile and gives me my hope and sanity back.
One of those moments came this morning when I was dropping him off at his daycare he will be going to for the week. It is a new place for him and he didn’t want to let go of me, he clung to me and really just needed me to comfort him in that moment. That went such a long way to melt my heart and realize that maybe we are making progress after all. When he laid his little head on my chest and snuggled in to me, I felt that wave of motherliness that goes through me with Lily and it made it very hard to let him go. I will look forward to more of these little moments and try to remember that it will all happen in good time.