This year however, I wasn’t completely sure how to approach Valentine’s Day.  When I was married my Ex was always very good about sending flowers, giving me cards and chocolate, and taking me out.  He was sweet like that, I will give the man credit where it is due, but it all just lacked that spark, that fire that I knew I should feel.  For me during those years I could take or leave Valentine’s Day.  This Valentine’s Day though had me stumped.  I remember the burst of excitement that hit me when I realized Zac and I would be getting to spend our first Valentine’s Day together.  However, once that initial excitement calmed down a bit I started trying to figure out how I should approach this day.  I didn’t know if he was the kind of guy to make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day or if he was the kind of guy that just grimaced through it doing just enough to appease me.  So, I did what any nervous nelly would do and I ignored bringing the subject up because I just wasn’t sure I wanted to know how he handled Valentine’s Day and didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment.

I needn’t have worried though.  He was the one that started willingly bringing up the topic and asking me what I wanted to do for Valentine’s Day etc.  When I told him it wasn’t a big deal to me and we didn’t have to do anything and he didn’t have to buy me anything (we’re a bit tight for money at the moment) he wasn’t having any of it.  He confirmed he would be getting me something for Valentine’s Day, especially since he had to miss Christmas and my birthday, it wouldn’t be much, but he vowed it would be something.  He was also genuinely disappointed that he would be working today and wouldn’t be able to take me out tonight, so he has made plans to take me to dinner and a movie this weekend as a late celebration.  In the meantime, when getting a drink at 4am this morning I was met by beautiful soft peach roses with a sweet note on the card and there was a candy valentine and bouquet of red heart shaped lollipops for Lily.  I melted right then and there and he enjoyed the cards Lily and I had picked out for him and left for him to find when he came home from work.  Neither of us did anything extravagant, but for me it was just right.  The thing I loved the most was how he picked out roses that are already, mostly opened.  He remembered that I told him I have a hard time getting roses to bloom when someone gives them to me.  That little detail right there is what meant the world to me. 

We hit a bump when we were out Saturday night when an overly zealous and affectionate old aquaintance saw him and didn’t seem to get the hint to quit hugging my boyfriend like he was going out of style.  He did well though and introduced me as his girlfriend, apologized to me for her behavior and it led us to talk about the issues we’d had on New Years Eve and he understood what had hurt my feelings and apologized.  We both agreed we are still learning about each other and how to be in a realtionship again.  I am so thank ful for his patience with me in this respect.  I’ve always had a bit of a…protective streak to me when it comes to people I am with.  I had thought this had gotten better over the last few years but…evidently not.  I am definately going to have to work on retracting my claws a bit better.  However, being able to speak up and tell him why something bothers me makes a huge difference.  In the past the guys I was with would get upset with me when I would try to do this and think I was being stupid or silly, but not Zac.  He listens and takes my feelings into account.  He even updated his Facebook status to “in a realationship” with me late that night.  That one simple gesture meant so much to me.

We spent last night cooking supper together, spending time with Lily and watching a movie.  Cooking together is one of my favorite things and I had forgotten how much I had missed it.  Today he went and got the job he was wanting and started tonight.  He’s working the extended 2nd shift which means he’s working from 3pm to 1am and sometimes even 3 to 3.  I won’t get to see him a whole lot during the week this way, but at least I will still get to snuggle in close to him for part of the night before I have to get up and go to work.  I’m thankful he found a good job doing what he enjoys and I am so proud of him. 

I never would have dreamt that he and I would wind up where we are together…although thinking back on our friendship the last couple of years it helps certain things make sense.  There were little moments here and there with us that I never forgot, now I think they were just premonitions or signs of what was to come.  He is an amazing man and I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world to be with him, to feel that fire when we kiss and relish the sound of his voice saying “I love you”.

Well, as I was getting my “body of a Greek god in buckskin pants” Sully fix last night I came to a horrible, horrible realization.  On Saturday night, I, the giver of intelligent advice to my friends, had turned into Dr. Mike.  The horror of this made my stomach drop to the floor.  You see on Saturday night Zac and I had our first…argument, no…fight, no…we’ll call it a bad failure to communicate.  To top it off it involved Facebook (yes the shame of it, I know).  Avoiding details let’s just say what happened tapped into some of my more inner core fears that can still bother me and well between stress, distance, modern technology and the fact I’d polished off a bottle of left over champagne my fears got the better of me and I reacted like a stupid girl.  Don’t get me wrong, I was justified in why the root of the problem upset me, I just chose to react purely out of emotion instead of logic which is always a bad thing. 

To his credit, he didn’t run away from me screaming…partially because he chose to ignore my attempts at communication until 3am, but still he didn’t make a big deal out of my reaction.  In fact at 3am when he decided that he probably shouldn’t have ignored me for so long he was a bit on the emotional, worried side himself.  I had had time to calm down and think a bit more rationally and he’d had time to understand why I was upset, that the reasoning behind all of it went much deeper than silly FB stuff.  We both said our “I’m sorry’s” and for the first time we said “I love you” to each other.  Granted, I’m still not completely satisfied with his answer on the issue, but for now I have to have faith in him and remember that he is not the other guys who have hurt me.  And in remembering this perhaps I will be able to keep my wits about me a bit better next time we have an issue and not behave like one of my least favorite characters of all time.   

I am looking forward to what this year will bring, although I will admit it would be great if things could go just a bit smoother with the Zac moving thing.  I went and got him on the 30th and originally it was supposed to be us actually getting him moved here.  But some complications have popped up so it was just for a visit.  We rang in the new year together with my friends, I will say it wasn’t as good of a night as it could have been, he was a bit of a jackass parts of the night.  However, he wasn’t the only one that was off that night, all of us just seemed off and it wasn’t the greatest night for anyone.  I am just thankful for the parts that were really good and the fact that he was here with me to bring our new year in with a kiss. 

The rest of his time here was wonderful, it’ s the longest he’s been here at one time and it just brought us that much closer together.  He and Lily did more bonding, they went to the store together, there were hugs and kisses and “goodnights” at bedtime and more than once she went over gave him hugs and kisses and said “I love you”.  I melted just a bit more the day he had to leave, we dropped her off at daycare together and he looked at her and  promised he’d be back soon and said “I love you Lily monster”.  Granted, she didn’t even look at him because she was mad he was leaving, but still I know she is crazy about him too and that means the world to me. 

For me I loved having him around for the everday things and having him by my side again during the night…I think I even finally snored in front of him and he was sweet enough not to say anything.  Then again I ignored it when he farted in bed so I guess we are even there.  He has started calling me “babe” and butterflies fly around in my stomach when he does it.  My family all still love him, even my Dad.  They are all in agreeance that I am happier and more at ease with him than I ever was with the Ex.  Anyone that’s been around us long has noticed how happy he makes me. 

We talked about future plans, vacations we want to take the kids on, vehicles we want to get and plans for our house.  We’ve pretty much decided that we will be moving into a different place, one that we can call our own and make it into a home together.  We have so many of the same ideas for it, it all just fits.  I just hope we can get past the obstacles that have presented themselves with him moving here.  It is hard to be patient but in order to do things we have no choice but to be patient.  Just have to keep on having faith that things will work out in the end. 

My birthday was also a very good one Thursday night.  Zac couldn’t be here for it, but he was sure to be one of the first one’s to tell me Happy Birthday via text in the wee hours of the morning.  It was karaoke night so that’s what I chose to do.  So many of my friends showed up and made it an amazing night.  They all got up and sang “happy birthday” to me and had all chipped in to get me a cupcake cake complete with candles.  Blowing out candles and making a wish has always been my favorite thing on my birthday.  By the end of the night I was tired, happy and a bit tipsy.  Minus Zac not being here for it, it was probably the best birthday I’ve had in years.  So far, 2012 has blessed me in many ways.

I love dancing, there is something so romantic about it for me.  I’ve always loved and envied those parts on movies, at weddings or other dances where you watch a couple get swept away just being together, twirling away in their own little world.  This is the very thing Zac gave to me on Saturday.  We had crashed a company Christmas party at the invite of my friend Haley and her husband.  It was his company Christmas party and it just so happens to be the company Zac has applied to for a job.  All of the company related things were over and there was karaoke, great people and yes, dancing involved. 

Haley gave Zac the initial nudge to dance with me, she thought he was going to put up a fight about it, but all he said was “I will dance with her” grabbed my hand and led me out onto the floor.  I know I had the goofiest grin ever on my face when he wrapped one arm around my waist and took my hand into his with the other.  He had told me once that he liked to dance and was good at it, I had had a hard time believing it, until he led me away to Walking in Memphis.  We danced semi effortlessly together, I was a bit clumsy here and there since it’s been over a decade since I had danced with anyone who knew how.  He didn’t just sway to the music, he stepped to it and even twirled me.  I felt like I was floating off the ground it was such a perfect moment and he made it even more so when the song came to a close and he pulled me tighter, whispered “thank you” and kissed me right there in the middle of the dancefloor in front of God and everybody.  Our night continued on with us having a wonderful time and dancing the night away. 

When the party came to a close we went home, both a bit tipsy and fell into bed.  He scooted close to me and entangled his legs with mine and we sleepily talked for a little while.  Before we both drifted off to sleep he kissed my forehead and said “I’m so glad I’m laying here next to you”.  I melted right then and there, happily replied “me too” and fell asleep. 

It still completely amazes me how happy he makes me, how absolutely wonderful everything feels with him.  For the first time in my life I don’t feel like something is missing, I feel complete and it is the best feeling in the world.  I am so thankful he has been brought into my life and I truly cherish every moment I have with him.

I am also unsure what I’m going to do after Christmas is over with her.  I have been using Santa (who is essentially a strange fat man who breaks into your home to leave presents for little kids), as a way for her to behave and pick up her toys.  I know this particular act of parenting will not win me any “mother of the year” awards but she is 4 and it is working rather well.  But once Santa has come and gone I will have to come up with a new tactic and I don’t think Cupid or the St. Pat’s Day Leprechaun hold as much sway as the big guy does. 

Moving day is getting closer for Zac.  He has applied for jobs down here and is just waiting to hear if he has gotten any of them.  He is hoping to be moved in by the middle of next month.  It’s exciting and hard to believe that if all goes right we will be living together within the next month, that within the next month my life will change completely.  I am still adjusting to the idea that I am part of a “we” again, that I am the other half of an actual couple.  Even though I was part of a couple with the Ex for almost nine years this idea seems almost completely foreign to me.  However, it’s foreign in a good way.  I feel like I’m experiencing these things for the first time again and that is a wonderful feeling. 

Sometimes one of the hardest things about new relationships is you can get droopy about the fact that both of you have experienced things with other people before and you can even get jealous over that idea even if you didn’t know each other back then.  I experienced these feelings a lot with the Ex and I’s relationship and I will admit it caused quite a bit of friction at times.  This time however is different, granted there are still little things that I wish Zac and I could experience for the very first time ever, but I’m okay that we can’t.  I’m okay in knowing that even though both of us have experienced certain things with other people, we’ve never experienced them together.  We have so many “firsts” to experience with each other.  The first time we held hands, the first time we kissed, all of the late night conversations we have in each other’s arms, learning the little things that make us tick.  It is all so exciting and new; it really feels like a fresh beginning and not just the same old things I’ve done with people before.  For me I don’t even remember that I’ve experienced these things with other people because right now all that matters is him.  I know that this is what is considered the “honeymoon” phase, but I hope that maybe I found someone that I will continue to feel this spark for.  The spark may change over the years, but will still be there.

I had yet another wonderful weekend with Zac that went way too fast.  I still hate the saying goodbye at the end and it gets harder every time.  There was also a lot of stress involved with it as well, but it didn’t deal with him and me.  We were a united team against the stress and that made a huge difference for both of us.  Since some of the stressful situation deals with more private aspects of his life I won’t get into details, we’ll just suffice it to say that I forgot how exhausting it is to deal with psychotic ex-girlfriends, but in the long run the good outweighed the bad in the situation.  The other stressful event was he got to meet my Dad, very unexpectedly, who was drunk.  As I’ve written before my Dad and I haven’t had the best relationship since he and Mom divorced and he can be difficult to deal with.  I was mortified that this was the first type of meeting they would have.  I’ve told Zac about my Dad, but him hearing about it from me and meeting him in person are two different things.  He was wonderful through the whole thing, then after it was all over and we were driving in the car he reached over, held my hand and asked me if I was okay and assured me it was no big deal to him.  He was there for me and that meant the world to me. 

We didn’t get to spend a lot of time alone this time around, but when we did he opened up to me further and let me into his life even more.  From what I have learned this is a huge thing for him to do.  We also spoke quite a bit about him moving back here.  With the way things are looking it’s a fairly certain thing that he will be moving here sometime in the next couple of months as long as everything falls into place.  This means he would be moving in with me, we would be living together.  I enjoyed the conversations of things we are going to do in the future and things we want to do to make my house a home together.  It’s been a long time since I have been this excited while talking of a future with someone.

It also has left me asking myself all sorts of questions.  At the beginning of this we both stated we wanted to take things slow, but as of the last three weeks we have switched to warp speed.  We are doing anything but taking it slow.  I know some of my friends are concerned with this, just for the simple fact they don’t know him and they don’t want to see me hurt.  However, there isn’t a question or aspect they have brought up I haven’t already thought of.  There is a part of me that worries we are moving too fast, that I’m setting myself up for a big fall and the list goes on.  I’m also anxious at the idea of living with someone again.  It has been just Lily and I for a long time now and we have a nice little groove and someone new with throw it off a bit. 

However, even with all of these questions I ask myself and think of the amount of hesitation I should be feeling….it all just feels right.  I have an odd peace about the whole thing and it just feels like this is the way it is meant to be.  I look at him and I feel like I am home, I feel complete.  Granted there are things he does that drive me a bit batty, but it’s all of those other great things he does that count.  Like the way he puts his hand on my knee or holds my hand as we are driving, the way he can stare into my eyes and I stare right back instead of looking away and being afraid of what he might see, how he kisses me just right, how he loves the same music I do and that his ringtone is “Honey Bee” by Blake Shelton.  And most importantly how his actions speak for themselves.  People can say all of the right words but it’s the actions that count.  As scared as I should be, I’m not, I am excited to move forward and start a brand new life with him, as a we, as a couple, as a team. 

 Other parts of life are going amazingly well too.  After my bout of blazing insecurities and acting a little nuts last week in regards to things with Zac, I feel back on track.  We talked over the weekend and I was reassured that he is not pulling away from me and that he really was busy and exhausted last week.  I feel so silly after I allow myself to panic and therefore say or do crazy things.  Just because I’ve been hurt in my past doesn’t mean that I should let that affect what he and I have now in a negative way.  He is not the other men that have hurt me before and I should not make him pay for what they had done.  I apologized to him for letting my insecurities get the better of me.  He reaffirmed that “things have not changed and that I am fine and not to worry.”  He then later on Sunday evening asked me if I had thought anymore about moving.  It meant a lot to me that he brought it up, and we discussed the questions I had asked him in the email he hadn’t responded to and I liked the answers. 

 However, a new revelation has come into play with some of the issues he has been trying to get squared away with his son and there is the possibility he may move back here.  I am elated by this news to say the least.  While I am willing to look at moving up there to be with him, it makes a lot of sense for him to move back here and would just be amazing.  I’m also excited as I get to see him this weekend; he is coming down here on Friday and will be here until Sunday evening.  It will be a great weekend and I can’t wait!

Granted I am still a bit stung that he hasn’t responded to the email I sent him explaining some of my thoughts and feelings and asking for his feedback, but there is a time and place and I’m not going to press him.  Pressing him to say or discuss things he’s not ready to won’t help anything, he has to be the one to do it on his own.  It will mean more that way.  Besides, we have had a nice time talking about Christmas presents today.  He already told me what mine was when I was still with him on Saturday night, a remote control starter for my car.  Granted it’s not every girls dream gift, but it’s actually quite sweet and thoughtful and something I will most definitely use and love and besides I’m a car and truck girl so it kinda fits into my dream gift category.  His gift however, I am keeping a secret, at least from him.  I am going to make him a quilt.  He enjoys blankets to a point that’s extremely cute and he doesn’t seem to have very many.  Normally I would just buy someone a blanket, but for him I prefer to make it.  The last time I wanted to put this kind of effort into something for someone (other than Lily) was a very long time ago and it feels good to have this inspiration again.  There are lots of other things I have seen or thought of I would love to get for him, but that seems like my favorite one.  Also, funds are a bit tight this time of year.  It’s wonderful to have someone I want to buy for that’s easy to buy for. 

He is my kind of guy.  The small town, ball cap wearing, truck driving, hunting/fishing kind of guy.  The one that believes in doing right, working hard, that family comes first, holding doors open, singing to the country song on the radio, fussing at you for not wearing your coat when it’s chilly out and is rough and tough with anyone who disrespects or gets out of line yet will hold you and kiss you breathless when you’re alone.  He is a good man, my kind of man. 

I’m looking forward to what else is to come for the two of us, for now I am putting the moving thing on the back burner a bit until things move forward some.  We both have some bigger issues that need to get finished before we can really look at it, and something tells me he’s thought of this aspect the last few days too.  I want to be with him more than anything and it’s hard to keep myself from getting scared I will lose him and just jumping all the way in now.  But I know if we’re meant to be it will happen and I’m not going anywhere on him and hopefully he’s intending on sticking around for me as well.  Time will tell.  In the meanwhile I have an amazing feast to prepare for my friends tomorrow.  We are all getting together at my place for a friends Thanksgiving.  The idea occurred to me a couple of weeks ago.  I want to get all of us together so I can tell them all how thankful I am to have them in my life, they have all been like a family to me over this past year and I couldn’t have gotten through things without them.  So tomorrow we will enjoy good food, good company, and good wine.